How to Keep Going When You Want To Give Up on Life – Tiny Buddha
TRIGGER WARNING: This post references suicidal thoughts and may be triggering to some people.
Since my first post on Tiny Buddha entitled â€śWhy I Didnâ€™t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldnâ€™t Either,â€ť Iâ€™ve been doing amazingly well. I thought I had this suicide stuff in the bag. I thought it lived in the past.Â I thought it was no longerÂ a part of me.
I thought I had found my way forward and that I would never feel that way again.Â I thought my suicidal ideation was a historical part of my existence.
I was wrong.
Tonight, I sat in the bath watching the water trickle down from the faucet and all I could think was how easy it would be to watch the blood trickle down my arms into the water instead.
I thought of how easy it would be to drift away into nothingness. I thought of how easy it would be to not have to get up every morning to face another day of emptiness. I thought of the peace I would have if I were no longer afraid all the time and how wonderful it would be to be free from the prison of my mind.
Sometimes, I long for this.
Sometimes, I long for death.
I do not long for death itself, being cold and distant and immovable.
But, I sometimes long for something other than what I am.Â I long for a feeling of safety and security.Â I long to feel loved and cherished, not used and abused.
I long to feel anything that is something more than the nothing I feel right now.
What Do You Want?
I know what you want. I want it too.Â You want someone to love you, someone to care, someone to tell you everything will be okay.
You want someone to tell you that even if you arenâ€™t perfect, youâ€™re enough just as you are.
You want your parents to put your needs ahead of their own, because thatâ€™s what loving parents do.Â You want those adults who abused you to think twice before they steal your innocence and your ability to feel.
What you want is for the past to never have existed, and what you want is impossible.
I know what you want.
You want someone to care, and it seems as if there is no amount of caring that will fill the empty hole in your heart, and no matter how hard you try to fill it up yourself it only goes halfway and then starts slipping back to empty.
Every day is a struggle to survive. Every day you wake up and wonder, â€śHow much longer can I go on?â€ť
The emptiness that fills your heart and your soul begins to take over your rationality.
At some point the things that kept you going have become meaningless.Â The life you have lived for so many years was just a struggle to survive.
Today you are at a point where nothing means anything.Â You arenâ€™t even in pain. You feel nothing. You want to give up.Â You want to no longer exist.Â You want to stop being.
The endless negative thoughts swirl around in your brain compelling you to end everything.Â The hope for the future subsides to a dulling ache keeping you going every day.
You stare at the television knowing you are wasting your life, but are incapable to get off the couch and get outside.